Life & Death


Religion & Morality

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Abraham Lincoln






Groucho Marx

Dearly Departed





Mark Twain





John Wooden






Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. Herbert Henry Asquith

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. Lucille Ball

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns

I don't feel old -- I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. Bob Hope on his 100th birthday

The child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention. Aldous Huxley




I do not say I was ever what I would call "plain," but I have the sort of face that bores me when I see it on other people. Margot Asquith

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want-- an adorable pancreas? Jean Kerr




He is a self-made man and worships his creator. John Bright

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. Winston Churchill

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. George Carlin

She is a peacock in everything but beauty. Oscar Wilde

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it. Bob Hope, on receiving the Congressional Gold Medal

A man who rests on his laurels is wearing them in the wrong place. Anonymous

If some among you fear taking a stand because you are afraid of reprisals from customers, clients, or even government, recognize that you are just feeding the crocodile, hoping he'll eat you last. Ronald Reagan


Dearly Departed


I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. Clarence Darrow

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin




I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Dean Martin

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. Jack Handy

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. Jean Kerr

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven explained the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."




Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. George Burns




A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P. J. O'Rourke

Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of Congress....  But I repeat myself. MarkTwain

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. Mark Twain

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  Will Rogers

I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. Ronald Reagan

A survey shows that wrestling on TV is taken seriously by 93 percent of the viewers. That's disturbing because some of them must be registered voters. Irv Kupcinet

Congress meets tomorrow morning. Let us all pray to the Lord to give us strength to bear that which is about to be inflicted on us. Will Rogers

The most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." Ronald Reagan

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. Oscar Levant

Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program. Ronald Reagan

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. John Adams

Years ago, fairy tales all began with "Once upon a time..." --now we know they all begin with, "If I'm elected." Carolyn Warner

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first. Ronald Reagan

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, civil libertarian (1994)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain

Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it. Anonymous

There is no distinctly Native American criminal Congress. Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves, and we appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan




There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better. Roseanne Barr

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman




Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. Mike Chillemi

Can placebos cause side effects, and if so, are the side effects real? George Carlin




They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. Thomas Brackett Reed

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

He had delusions of adequacy. Walter Kerr

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. Sam Levenson

When ignorance gets started, it knows no bounds. Will Rogers

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Will Rogers




Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain

Live every day like it's your last, 'cause one day you're gonna be right. Ray Charles

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which to keep. Scott Adams

I don't fear death. I just don't want to be around when it happens. Woody Allen

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. Hap LeCrone

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Woody Allen




The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. Cher

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx

After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her, and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him. Helen Rowland

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Rod Stewart


Men & Women


When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elayne Boosler

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee

The difference between government bonds and men is that government bonds mature. Debby Perry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where of course, men are just grateful. Robert DeNiro




He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. Billy Wilder

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. Adlai Stevenson

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English philosopher (1820-1903)

Instant gratification takes too long. Carrie Fisher

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. Louis Nizer (1902 -1994)

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. Forrest Tucker

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it. Will Rogers

If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better. Maureen Murphy

Quality... is a like buying oats. If you want nice, clean, fresh oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you can be satisfied with oats that have been through the horse ... that comes a little cheaper. Anonymous

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging. Hap LeCrone

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. George Carlin

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. Robert Wilensky

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.. Thomas Edison




I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain

You don't seem to realize that a poor person who is unhappy is in a better position than a rich person who is unhappy. Because the poor person has hope. He thinks money would help. Jean Kerr

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. Jackie Mason




Until mankind can extend the circle of his compassion to include all living things, he will never, himself, know peace. Albert Schweitzer

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. Lao Tzu

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. Rachel Carson

Like music and art, love of nature is a common language that can transcend political or social boundaries. Jimmy Carter

Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you. Frank Lloyd Wright

The question is not what you look at, but what you see. Henry David Thoreau

In every walk with Nature one receives far more than he seeks. John Muir




You don't get harmony when every body sings the same note. anonymous

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. H. L. Mencken

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

Life will not be like Star Trek. It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your coworkers to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after they take the last drop. Anonymous




He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. Samuel Johnson

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. Abraham Lincoln

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. David Lloyd George

Humility is no substitute for a good personality. Fran Lebowitz

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. Paul Keating

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeli

Deep down, I'm pretty superficial. Ava Gardner




When I'm asked why Southern writers particularly have a penchant for writing about freaks, I say it's because we are still able to recognize one. Flannery O'Connor

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do. Paula Poundstone

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and it was the only place my fears were justified. Anita Weiss


Religion & Morality


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. George Burns

I shall never believe that God plays dice with the world. Albert Einstein

There are certain things a man must do for himself: he must blow his own nose, he must make his own love, and he must say his own prayers. Bishop J. Fulton Sheen

Science without religion is lame; religion without science is blind. Albert Einstein

Those are my principles. If you don't like them ... I have others. Groucho Marx

In this life you sometimes have to choose between pleasing God and pleasing man. In the long run, it's better to please God -- he's more apt to remember. Harry Kemelman

Science ... tells us that nothing in nature, not even the tiniest particle, can disappear without a trace. Nature does not know extinction. All it knows is transformation. And everything that science has taught ... strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death. Nothing disappears without a trace. Werner von Braun

Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die. Anonymous

When you flee temptation, be sure you don't leave a forwarding address. Anonymous

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. Woody Allen

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. Golda Meir




If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? Bette Midler

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. Charles, Count Talleyrand

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong. Mae West

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Rodney Dangerfield

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. Barbara Bush

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. George Burns




Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings. George Will

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? Vince Lombardi



To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.


Ralph Waldo Emerson

from Coach John Wooden...


Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.

Never mistake activity for achievement.

Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Be prepared and be honest.

Be quick, but don't hurry.

You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one.

You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

What you are as a person is far more important than what you are as a basketball player.

Winning takes talent; to repeat takes character.

A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.

I'd rather have a lot of talent and a little experience than a lot of experience and a little talent.

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?

If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes.

It isn't what you do, but how you d it.

Ability is a poor man's wealth.

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.

Consider the rights of others before your own feelings and the feelings of others before your own rights.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.

It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it.

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.

Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.

The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.

Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.

Success is never final; failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.

.from Abraham Lincoln...


You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot lift the wage-earner by pulling down the wage-payer.

You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.

You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot establish security on borrowed money.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.

.from Mark Twain...


If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

In fact, the more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Wrinkles should merely show where the smiles have been.

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Name the greatest of all inventors: Accident.

You must not pay a person a compliment and then straightway follow it with a criticism.

A man should not be without morals; it is better to have bad morals than none at all.

.from Groucho Marx...


Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer, I'd be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

(taking someone's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.