Imponderables Getting Older Immutable Laws of Life Observations on Living Hurricane Preparedness Really Bad Puns 17 Things Eclectic
Observations on Living
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, but teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
17 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you, anyway.
Imponderables
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If there really are multiple universes, what do they call the thing that they're all part of?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
If all is not lost, then where is it?
If you swim in a pool filled with Visine, what color would your eyes turn?
If you accidentally step on a tetnus needle, what do you do?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that the other one enjoys it?
If 21 is pronounced twenty-one, 31 is pronounced thirty-one, and so on up, why isn't the number 11 pronounced tenty-one?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Daylight savings time -- why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Can you cry under water?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?
If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How important does a person have to be before they're considered "assassinated" rather than just "murdered"?
Why do television stations report power outages?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why are a "wise man" and a wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
16 Immutable Laws of Life
ZAPPA'S LAW: There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. MURPHY'S LAW: If something can go wrong, it will. FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. SHANAHAN'S LAW: The length of a meeting rises by the square of the number of people present. DANIEL'S THEOREM: If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there. LAW OF PROBABILITY:
The odds of being watched are directionally proportional to the stupidity of your act. WEILER'S CORROLARY: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. POINT OF NO RETURN LAW: The light at the end of the tunnel is probably the headlight of an oncoming train. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. LAW OF PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY: Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. THE IMMOKALEE ROAD AXIOM: The first one to see a traffic light turn green is always in the the third car back. CORRIGAN'S THEOREM: If there is more than one way in which a system can operate, it will usually operate the wrong way. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine doesn't work, it will. DOCTOR'S LAW: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go the doctor and by the time you get there, you are better. If you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick. SOD'S LAW: In any given set of circumstances, events will combine to provide the maximum amount of inconvenience for the greatest number of people.
Getting older
How old are you? 12 good reasons to be a senior Old is ... You're not REALLY old until... More great things about getting older Games for seniors Age is a state of mind...
All people fall into four basic age groups, and you can determine in which age group you belong by asking just one question: "What's the first thing you think of when someone says, 'Happy Hour'?"
...if it's "Happy hour means time to go outside and play with my friends," then you're a kid.
...if it's "Happy hour means getting together with friends after work for a few drinks," then you're young.
...if it's "Happy hour means having time for a short nap in the afternoon," then you're middle aged.
...and if it's "Happy hour is when the laxative kicks in and my bowel movements are regular," then you're old.
12 good reasons to be a "senior"
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out.
7. Finally, you can eat dinner at 4 PM.
8. You can have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
9. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
10. You can sing along with elevator music.
11. Your eyes won't get much worse.
12. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Old is...
Old is when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Old is when you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
Old is when when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
Old is when "getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
Old is when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Old is when an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Old is when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Old is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just so you don't have to go along.
More great things about getting older
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
Eight games for seniors
1. Sag ... You're It
2. Hide and Go Pee
3. 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Musical Recliners
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
You're not REALLY old until...
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
Really bad puns
Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.
Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
My biologist friend tells me that constantly developing new varieties of plant can be a strain.
The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile. He didn't have very much -- his booty was only shin-deep.
He ate wheat even though he was allergic to it because he was a gluten for punishment.
I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory? I hope there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
If you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home, but the details are sketchy.
The earthquake in Washington was obviously government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.
Hurricane Preparedness
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
HAVE A PLAN:
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
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